When the love is gone...

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by little teaser i have to disagree not saying your wrong either you do make sense to me.. i feel that she gave it a shot after the first time he cheated on her because she didnt walk out then..she is still there even after the second blow, so only thing she owes him is honesty about how she feels and to let him know she is willing to put the marraige back together, with the ball then in his court its up to him to get off his ass and put the effort into working it out.. she should NOT have to go at it alone.. couples counseling is just that "couples" not just one person.. i dont know if i missed something is she a military wife? if so then i could see this from a diffrent perspective.. but i have seen plenty of military guys cheat and not get in trouble..

I'm assuming she is, since she referred to military training.
And, marriage counseling doesn't always involve two people.

That was one of the points in my husband's favor when he got custody of my stepson.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixichik77 Don't get me wrong, individual counseling is useful too. This is coming from a woman who has gone to marriage counseling. We combined couples with indiv, but it is vital to have both parties in the same room at some point so they can see face to face what the other person is saying/feeling/seeing in a moderated environment with a skilled professional to help them come to the same page if possible. I am very aware of how military relationships affect people. My brother in law is a Navy Seal with a Purple Heart...

Of course it's vital to have both parties there, but as I said, if he wont' go (and you'll find numerous professionals who will say the same thing) with her, she can go without him. It won't be AS beneficial, but it'll help a whole lot more than posting anonymously on a worldwide message board seeking advice about a situation from people who have no real knowledge of it.
And, glad your brother in law came out ok. I won't compare familial military ties.

 

[pixichik77]

I agree, a message board isn't a substitute for professional help. That's why I suggest it. And I in know way mean that if he won't go, she shouldn't.

I think we generally agree, just coming at the subject from different angles and experiences. I think the long and short is strangers only know what work for themselves, and anyone experiencing a propblem in life/love/etc should seek professional help and a good support system, and follow the advice and path of a true proffesional.

 

[glamdoll]

This is the type of things that scare me. Growing apart.
I am 18 and my husband is 19 and we got married cus we had
our son. I know I love him, and he loves me too. but Were so young
I wonder if he'll get tired.. if I will. I dont know. The decision was made by our parents. Since mine wouldnt let me just live w him w/o
being married. it was stupid I know. I feel commited to this because I love him and just to know that he isnt some "boyfriend" but the person to spend my life with.

and if he suddenly changed from what I fell in love with
then I would have to walk out.

Like I said love is a two way street. and girl, he just isnt willing.
Dont wait untill ur like 60+ waking up to someone who doesnt appreciate u. DOnt let your life pass you by!

 

[kaliraksha]

I'm going to agree that counseling for one is also beneficial. Just because the other party isn't willing doesn't mean one person can't benefit from self-awareness and tools and techniques to bring to a relationship.

I went to like a "boot camp" for self acceptance and it has nothing to do with my relationship but I have brought so much to our relationship from it. From self acceptance, from knowing where I'm coming from, and sometimes from talking to my fiance using "tools" I've learned. Most relationship problems are the adverse reactions of when two totally "unperfect" people collide- and that's just life. Learning to be the best you that you can be is never hurtful.

I applaud you for taking the first step and admitting there are things you acknowledge and want to work on.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by glamdoll This is the type of things that scare me. Growing apart. I am 18 and my husband is 19 and we got married cus we had our son. I know I love him, and he loves me too. but Were so young I wonder if he'll get tired.. if I will. I dont know. The decision was made by our parents. Since mine wouldnt let me just live w him w/o being married. it was stupid I know. I feel commited to this because I love him and just to know that he isnt some "boyfriend" but the person to spend my life with. and if he suddenly changed from what I fell in love with then I would have to walk out.

Life is full of surprises. Sometimes, they're good, sometimes they are not. The most important thing for you to do is not worry about what you cannot control or possibilities of the future. I know it's almost impossible at times, but there's nothing you can really do. You don't know if you're going to be caring for each other until your 90s or divorced in a few years.

The most important thing is that you handle things maturely and are willing to put in the work.

 

[pixichik77]

People rarely "suddenly" change, and rarely develop out of character habits. (Unless they are on drugs. blanket generalization, but I digress). But seriously, people rarely change suddenly. There are markers, there are patterns. It may feel sudden, because you carry a prconceived notion of the person you are with, and when you get tied up in your own life you may miss the subtle shifts that are totally normal in life.

Pay attention. Talk to each other, even push a little harder if you feel liek you are being evaded, either intentionally or not, even if you don't feel lik eit and would rather watch TV. Fortunately for my husband and I, most of the changes we have experienced in life have been in the same direction. If we didn't make the effort we did to communicate, we very may well have moved apart from each other, slowly but painfully, and wrapped up in our own spheres woken up one day and felt as though we had grown tired, or fallen out of love.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by little teaser everyone is talking about counseling to save her marraige.. is she suppose to go alone? from what she has said he shuns her out if she is depressed and needs help. i agree with the above poster glamdoll a relationship takes two.. if he isnt gonna put forward the effort she cant salvage it alone.. thats my opinion though

She CAN go alone...so she can learn what she needs to do for herself. When I was a marriage counselor, I had many wives come in by themselves. You cannot work on improving a couple's relationship in counseling unless both parties are interesting in changing things. That being said, when a person comes in alone, the focus is on that person only. Maybe that's what she needs at this point in her life.

 

[ginger9]

Everyone's given a lot of great, wise advice and I don't have to add anything that's not already covered except I want to reiterate what Shimmer say about truly being at peace with yourself in the event that you decide to end things or if you do decide to work things out. Call me old fashioned but I really think marriage, or even any long-standing committed relationship need to be treated with the upmost consideration. I don't know the intricacies and history of your marriage but I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let things slide and end without knowing that you gave it a more than fair chance. I have seen people who treat marriage lightly in the sense that it's like any relationship singles get into. They abuse it, or grow tired of it almost on a whim and it's just a shame

. By all means I'm not referring to your situation because maybe you are beyond giving it any more chances, only you will know that.

Again, like everyone's said a successful marriage/relationship takes A LOT of work. You can tell there's constant effort to communicate, listen, understand, lots of giving to make it work.

 

[bAbY_cHiCkEn01]

Not to get too much off topic... but how does marriage equal harder work... I believe if you're in ANY form of relationship you should be everything that you would be as a husband/wife... Doens't make sense to me, as All I see it as is just a piece of paper really...

Back on topic... With whatever happens, know that everything will be okay in the end and surround yourself with loads of loving, awesome people. I'm sure everybodies rooting for you to come out strong and everything has a dignified ending in all of this *trickiness*.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cookie_monsta2504 Not to get too much off topic... but how does marriage equal harder work... I believe if you're in ANY form of relationship you should be everything that you would be as a husband/wife... Doens't make sense to me, as All I see it as is just a piece of paper really... Back on topic... With whatever happens, know that everything will be okay in the end and surround yourself with loads of loving, awesome people. I'm sure everybodies rooting for you to come out strong and everything has a dignified ending in all of this *trickiness*.

I agree any kind of relationship takes a HUGE load of work.

It's a lot more than just a piece of paper, it's a public statement of unity and responsibility for one another. It's also a lot harder to dissolve a marriage than a life partner relationship.

*legally speaking, of course.

 

[pixichik77]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer I agree any kind of relationship takes a HUGE load of work. It's a lot more than just a piece of paper, it's a public statement of unity and responsibility for one another. It's also a lot harder to dissolve a marriage than a life partner relationship. *legally speaking, of course.

I agree. I think that as a society, we embrace or disregard symbols at will. Some people put a lot of stock in that emotionally charged "peice of paper", some don't, but invariably taking the time to go get that peice of paper ( I laughed when the lady told me I had to raise my right hand and repeat after her just to get the license...) sets up a mental level of commitment that is legally harder to dissolve and for some people mentally as well. By not getting the paper, they find it almost easier to break up.

 

[user79]

Sounds like you need some professional help, go get counseling before you consider divorce.

 

[PrudeyNudey]

I'm really sorry to hear that, he sounds like he is taking you for granted. I would never forgive my bf/husband if he cheated on me and i believe in true love so i would ditch him and find the man who is meant for you and who'll treat you like a princess.