How do you kick a bridesmaid out of your wedding?

[hello_my_apple]

So today not to long ago I just came back from a meeting with my girls who are in my wedding. Things are not going well at all and it's not all my girls it's just one girl! she has been my friend since freshman year of college do i've known her for quite some time. ever since i've picked who i wanted in my party she's been bitchy. like always complaining about who she doesnt wanna look at on MY wedding day? like who says that?!. she's showed up late to every meeting since december, and she's negative about everything. Now i can see if i was being a bridezilla but i've made a conscience effort to be very kind during this process. i've picked my wedding colors based on what the girls "wanted" their dress colors to be by voting on my two fav colors and she's been saying stuff behind my back about how the colors are ugly!!!!! the dresses that i picked were sorta pricy so my fiance suggested starting early on fitting so by the time july gets here everything will be paid, and i understand people lose and gain weight that's another reason. so she didnt come to the first two fittings. i had to leave work early one day to pick her up from work and to pick up her son from school so i could take her to the bridal shop which is about a 30 min drive my house she didnt say thank you btw. she came there without the 90 dollar deposit saying "oh that was supposed to be handed in today?" so i ended up using my credit card and she wasnt even greatful didnt pay me back yet she complained the whole time. the last meeting i told the girls they would need the other 90 bucks today at this meeting - a month ago. everyone brought it but her. i have 9 girls in my wedding and everyone else is being really helpful but she stresses me! am i being toooo over the top about this? and if not how should i kick her out?

 

[Simply Elegant]

If she can't help make your special day better in any way, kick her out. Tell her you think she is not into it and is bringing you down and you'd like her to not be a part of it if she is continually negative.

 

[Meisje]

I guess you have to weigh the consequences.

If you kick her out, she sounds like the type to make you miserable about it. It will probably end your friendship.

If you don't kick her out, you'll have to bite your tongue when you'd like to get mad with her, or else you're going to be miserable during the whole process.

My advice would be to put up with it unless you're ready to say bye to this friend forever. What you've described sounds annoying, but not the end of the world (ie, it's not like she's trying to seduce the groom or anything); you'll just have to be prepared for the fact that she's not very responsible and kind of grumpy.

I'm just curious --- what was the reason you chose her as a bridesmaid? And has she always had this personality, or just since you've been engaged? Maybe she's jealous.

 

[mintbear82]

I would talk to her, and see what's going on. Maybe she's jealous that you're getting married? If she's not being helpful and she's really ruining what should be a special event for you then you should tell her that you no longer wish her to be a part of the process.

 

[DonnaN]

I work with brides and bridesmaids for my job, and I hear these horror stories all of the time. The thing you need to remember is that the day is about you, not her! Talk to her and if she seems put off, then tell her that you no longer want her to be involved.

 

[GlamQueen21]

You should talk to her about this situation and ask her what's bothering her. I've never heard a person that's being negative about someone's special day before.

 

[hello_my_apple]

i dont see why she would be jealous she has a boyfriend and a son .. i dunno. and she's never been the happiest friend i have, but shes a funny girl and i like her company when she's in a good mood, also she asked to kinda be in the wedding/ put her self in it. ad yea it's annoying, but it's likei dont need the extra stress, people tend to forget you have other thiings to take care of, and i think thats what the bridesmaid is kinda there for. i really dont wanna loose her friendship, but it seems weird that i would have to bite my tounge when this day is about me and my fiance lol.

 

[Meisje]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hello_my_apple i really dont wanna loose her friendship, but it seems weird that i would have to bite my tounge when this day is about me and my fiance lol.

I'm not saying you have to. It's an option --- one of many. But nothing will change unless either she or you change your course. You can either choose a confrontation of some sort (telling her to smarten up and stay in the wedding or kicking her out) or you can choose not to have one at all but that will require patience and ignoring her behaviour.

From what you've described, I can't imagine the confrontation making anything easier for you, unless there's a problem you can talk out. Best case scenario, you nicely tell her she's upsetting you, she realizes she's being a douchebag and becomes helpful and cheerful. However, anytime I've ever told a grumpy, self-centered person they were being out of line, they melted down and freaked out. You know your friend, so you know better how she might react.

It would be great if she suddenly thought "Oh, this is HER day and I should behave accordingly," but, realistically, that's probably not going to happen.

Good luck with the situation.

 

[purrtykitty]

You need to sit her down and have a serious talk. I'd ask her if there's something going on. Emphasize that you really want her to be a part of your big day (and really emphasize that it's your big day), but that you don't want her to feel put out by being in your wedding. Try to make it sound like you're super concerned about her (which may not even be a lie) and that you don't want to add additional stress in her life. Give her the option to bow out if she wants to...maybe she's looking for an out, too?

I think the biggest thing that needs to get across to her is that it's your day and if you want her to wear a paper sack, she needs to do it with a smile. But of course, you'll probably want to tell her that in a slightly different manner.

 

[LMD84]

honestly i would not be standing for her crap quite frankly! weddings are stressful enough and you don't need the extra worry of her. plus it's your day! why would she bitch about the colours you guy chose? that's just nasty. it's not her wedding it is yours so therefore surely it's kinda obvious that you'll want things your way. plus it sounds like you've been quite accomodating to her anyways.

i would sit down over coffee and just ask her if her heart is in it. if she is a good friend perhaps bshe will be upset to know how much she has been stressing you out. say to her that if she doesn't start acting like she wants to be part of the wedding then she won't have to be.

 

[COBI]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hello_my_apple she's showed up late to every meeting since december.....

I've removed my original post as I was simply trying to offer a different viewpoint and possibility based on my experience, but it was misunderstood, and I am not looking to argue over it.

 

[hello_my_apple]

first off why are you quoting things like "meetings" , "dress selection"? i had am intial meeting with the girls in December for everyone to get to know each other sort of like a mixer, which i think is appropriate because these girls will need to work together until August. we didnt start getting down to buisness until Jan, and i have fittings because i said "PEOPLE GAIN AND LOOSE WEIGHT" and i dont want any bride to feel uncomfortable in their dress i want them to feel great aswell. as far a dress selection goes, i think girls found it very fun to be apart of that and it was fun when they voted they made it into a awesome game i think having a select few makes people feel left out. i have never wanted their lives to stop for my wedding i realize they have a life! i have been more than accomidating to these girls esp. her. remember i'm the one who had to miss out on half day of work to run her around to things she was supposed to do when i scheduled the "meetings" as you put it. she's the only one who gives me problems because everyone else realizes thay it is MY DAY. and for you if youre "always a bridesmaid" you have no idea what it's like to be a bride i assume, and with your attidude of " not respecting my time" i'm surprised youve been in so many weddings. i've bent over backwards for this girl, not just during this process but for other things before i got engaged.


me a bridezilla? lol.




Quote:

Originally Posted by COBI No disrespect, but how many "meetings" have you had with your wedding party? I've never had to worry about attending a bunch of meetings when I've been in weddings (more than 10 at this point.) In some ways, the idea of multiple meetings makes me think "Bridezilla" even if your actual attitude isn't Bridezilla. Excessive meetings (and fittings) implies to me that there isn't a lot of respect for the fact that your wedding planning doesn't mean everyone else's life stops (i.e. Bridezilla.) Maybe for this woman, your needs exceed her time availability. .

 

[paperfishies]

Ask your friend if she wants to be in your wedding, if she says yes, tell her she needs to ease up, if she says no, fine. Some people just like being difficult. Maybe she thought being a bridesmaid would be something fun and not hit her pocketbook and her day planner hard.

This is why I always give a very firm, "No" whenever a friend asks if I will be in her wedding. I really don't like the entire wedding process (personally I think it's unfair to ask someone to be a part of a wedding but then expect them to pay for their own dresses, shoes, etc.) and dealing with brides on a regular basis I hear my fair share of brides bitching about bridesmaids and bridesmaids bitching about brides.

How many meetings do you think you've asked your ladies to attend? With the weddings I've been in, before I started telling everyone "no", we would usually meet 3 times in the span of a year. Once at the initial dress fitting, at the bridal shower/bachelorette party, then a third time at a final fitting.

Is it possible your friend doesn't have the money to spend on a dress, especially if it's a dress she will never wear again? Sometimes people get bitchy when there is some kind of financial conflict because they are embarrassed. Does she feel like you're being too demanding of her time? As a working mom with a husband, I know *I* wouldn't be able to make it to more than a few meetings about someone's wedding (outside of business of course), I just have way too much going on. Especially with your friend needing a ride here and there...She could be embarrassed about that too. it really just sounds like she bit off more than she could chew and she thought being in a wedding would be fun, instead of stressful.

I think your best bet is to just sit down with her and bluntly ask what her issue(s) are and you both need to decide if it would be better for her to be in the wedding or to just attend as a guest.

This is just something to think on...The average bridesmaid spends on average $300 of her own money to be in a wedding. To some people, that's a nice chunk of change. I think a lot of brides (and I'm not saying you, just in general) tend to forget this because the bride gets so wrapped up in her wedding...Take a look at everything a bridesmaid/maid of honor puts money out for on a wedding they're in....you have...

The dress
The shoes
The planning and expenses of any bridal shower and or bachelorette party (food, favors,drinks, cake,etc)
A gift to the bride at her wedding shower
A gift to the bride on the day of her wedding

And some things that may be added in, if you want your bridesmaids to have their hair/makeup/nails professionally done for your big day, they will be paying for this out of their own pocket as well.

Not to mention the time they've taken away from their own busy lives to dedicate to the bride and her wedding.

All of this adds up pretty fast and can cause someone to stress out and like with all people, everyone handles stress differently. This is why I suggest you sit her down, outline everything you expect her to pay for and attend and flat out ask her if she's in or out. Because it's very likely she just bit off more than she could chew, which is quite common amongst bridesmaids.

 

[paperfishies]

Here are a couple of links that break down bridesmaids expenses, I just thought they were interesting to read. The first is from MSN

The bridesmaid's survival guide - MSN Money

So you're gonna be a bridesmaid / LJWorld.com

Just to get an idea from a bridesmaid perspective.

 

[FiestyFemme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonnaN I work with brides and bridesmaids for my job, and I hear these horror stories all of the time. The thing you need to remember is that the day is about you, not her! Talk to her and if she seems put off, then tell her that you no longer want her to be involved.

I completely agree with this! I had some issues during my wedding planning, mainly picking who would be my maid of honor. I was torn between my old best friend (of 10+ years, but growing apart) or a really good friend. I ended up choosing my old BFF, just to keep the peace. If I had it to do all over again, I would've chosen my good friend who is a much better friend to me and really helped make my day special. Hindsight is 20/20.

 

[hello_my_apple]

i picked a family member as my MOH, that way people couldnt make me choose, i think it would be bold to tell someone to choose you or their family. lol.




Quote:

Originally Posted by FiestyFemme I completely agree with this! I had some issues during my wedding planning, mainly picking who would be my maid of honor. I was torn between my old best friend (of 10+ years, but growing apart) or a really good friend. I ended up choosing my old BFF, just to keep the peace. If I had it to do all over again, I would've chosen my good friend who is a much better friend to me and really helped make my day special. Hindsight is 20/20.

 

[hello_my_apple]

well my fiance and i come from very large families, so we never really had to ask who was going to be in the wedding i had about two girls just put themselves in and she was oe of them. i put in my OP that i gave her the money for the down payment so she knows if cost was an issue that i could front her the money for now. This isnt the first wedding she's so she knows the deal. i asked her to do some running around with me on saturday so there i will talk to her.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

I had a girl acting exactly like ur friend prior to my wedding. She was my best friend all throughout university and I chose her to be one of my bridesmaid when I got engaged. She first said that she wouldn't wanna wear burgundy (my theme was burgundy and ivory, I didn't even choose their dresses, I told them to pick any dress as long as it was burgundy). Then she was saying she doesn't have the funds to throw me a shower. I don't know why she thought she had too as my mom was the one who was in charge of planing/paying for the shower. Then she sent me a long and insulting email telling me about all the times I mistreated her in University :/

Anyway, long story short, since she said she didn't want "selfish friends like me" in her email, I didn;t really have to dump her, lol! But u know what you're better off without toxic ppl like that. Sit your friend down and talk to her to see what her problem is. If she doesn't backdown, you'll have to ask her to step down as a bridesmaid

 

[BEA2LS]

mybe she will be relieved to not be a bridesmaid. i backed out of my friend's wedding last summer.. even had a thread here. and i handled it wrong, i should have said no in the begining but i do not regert ending the friendship, to be honest.

 

[hello_my_apple]

omg! hahaha did she really bring up old UNI stuff? my guess is she was jealous lol. but im going to see what she says on saturday. honestly i can do with or without her.



Quote:

Originally Posted by Shadowy Lady I had a girl acting exactly like ur friend prior to my wedding. She was my best friend all throughout university and I chose her to be one of my bridesmaid when I got engaged. She first said that she wouldn't wanna wear burgundy (my theme was burgundy and ivory, I didn't even choose their dresses, I told them to pick any dress as long as it was burgundy). Then she was saying she doesn't have the funds to throw me a shower. I don't know why she thought she had too as my mom was the one who was in charge of planing/paying for the shower. Then she sent me a long and insulting email telling me about all the times I mistreated her in University :/ Anyway, long story short, since she said she didn't want "selfish friends like me" in her email, I didn;t really have to dump her, lol! But u know what you're better off without toxic ppl like that. Sit your friend down and talk to her to see what her problem is. If she doesn't backdown, you'll have to ask her to step down as a bridesmaid