I paid on VALENTINES !!!

[TISH1124]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pascal I think your right, I think I just lost my balls and got a little shy or embarressed to say anything to him, yet he shoud be embarressed ya know ... you live an you learn

Yeah what embaresses some people does not phase others....When he called and said he did not have any $$$ and you had no intentions of paying...I would have said lets just do this another time and did something else and not met him in the frst place.

Now the thing about asking you to the movie after dinner...that was a bit stretching it...How are you gonna invite someone somewhere AGAIN knowing you can't even contribute let alone buy the butter to go on the popcorn at that point.

 

[M.A.C. head.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer So if a man asks me out I should get the cheapest thing on the menu and not drink more than one drink? Would a woman be legitimately expected to do the same if the man is paying?

Nope. But that's the issue, people have no manners.

I'm thinking from a personal POV I guess. If I go out with a guy that I just met and it's not a date, I don't expect him to pay for it all, but I don't expect to pay for it all either. I still whip out my card when my husband and I go out because I don't believe in the "the man should always pay rule". He always tells me to put my card away, and I have to coax him into letting me pay. I guess it's an individual thing. I dated a dude who was the way the OP was describing the guy she went out with. The first time we went out we payed for things separately, that was fine with me. The next time I payed for things just because I wanted to and the guy didn't pay for a damn thing after that, I guess he thought he had it good. I let myself be played by him, we dated for a while. I rambling now. Stopping. Sorry

 

[Shimmer]

I'm the weirdo who just says split the check up front.

Then again, I have friends who will get PISSED if I pay for their food/drink and I've learned not to do that. *shrug*
Until I know, I'm prepared to pay.

 

[user79]

He's def a jerk but you also didn't stick your ground, I wouldn't have taken him out for a meal, knowing he had no money if you weren't prepared to pay.

But...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pascal Im not saying that he's a servant but in my culture he's not equal to me . It's just the way we're brought up in the middle east I guess that's where we conflict... he needs to be the man and do what is expected of a man

So if he's not equal to you, what is he exactly? *confused*

 

[ohnna-lee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by M.A.C. head. This is sort of a sticky situation. I agree with Shimmer about responsibility to pay, but at the same time, it was VERY rude of him to order drinks and tons of food when he didn't have any money. He DID tell you that he didn't have any money though, so you did it to yourself so to speak. You could have just done something that was free or really cheap like walk around downtown and buy ice cream or something.

What's funny is him assuming she had enough to pay for all his drinks. I would have snuck off to the bathroom after that and told the server to split the check and handed her/him the credit card for my portion then and when it was time to finish I would have bolted.

But I am also known for being an asshole. I go dutch a lot, I do not consider myself a princess. And no, you do not get in my pants by buying my meal.

 

[jenee.sum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Sure. he shouldn't have proposed something w/o intentions of contributing, but you shouldn't have gone along with it knowing he couldn't pay, then complained about going along with it.

Shimmer said it perfectly.

He does sound like a jerk! But IMO, i think u should have made a U-turn and went straight home as soon as u got the text. and not even text him back, call him or answer his calls after that. and i wouldn't even care if that's MEAN, cuz not like you've known him for a long time or something. not that you can turn back time, but it just sounded extremely fishy for him to pull something like that last minute. but hey, shit DOES happens right? so tough call...maybe he did go broke ass in a 24 hr span. lol

ok...so u went with it anyways. it was ur decision, and no one forced u to go through with the date. but DAMN!! for him to have the gall to spend his last $10 on a drink for HIMSELF,

!?!? and then order two more drinks? knowing ur paying for it?! LOL mind you he still has to order his meal! another

!!! AND THENNNNNNNN to mention a MOVIE? HAHAHAHAHA wow.

if i was him, and i went broke ass in a 24 hr span or what not, i would have spend my last $10 on a single long stem rose for the lady or something...and it doesn't even have to be from a fancy florist, even a grocery store carries flowers! u kno? or reschedule the date! just say, "so and so happen, and although i would really like to have the date tonite, i wouldn't feel comfortable making you pay. let's reschedule cuz i wanna make it a special night for u"....now wouldn't you have appreciated that more?

sigh.....men....(ok not all men hehe)
not that they have to pay all the time, but i think the first time is a must. i mean...if u want to make a good impression...lol at least it works in my book.

EDIT:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer So if a man asks me out I should get the cheapest thing on the menu and not drink more than one drink? Would a woman be legitimately expected to do the same if the man is paying?

and just to comment on that, IMO, that's not the issue. what bugs me is when ppl aren't considerate? i dunno if i'm using the correct term...but I'm Chinese, and the way that i was brought up is that you don't necessarily have to order the cheapest item on the menu...and order only 1 drink. But if someone else is paying, you should grateful that you are being treated, and not order 5 alcoholic drinks, a lobster meal with jumbo shrimp and king crab legs, topped with giant scallops, and an apple crumble dessert. LOL That was an exaggeration, but you kno what i mean. If i was paying for dinner, i would expect the same kind of courtesy from the guy as i would give to him or someone else. In my books, it's just called manners. be a little considerate...u kno? don't ask or expect a 10 course meal -- open bar --, a cake...and want to eat that too!

 

[Babylard]

from all that money you spent on him, you could of at least got to kick him around a little bit... =D

 

[kaliraksha]

This guy was obviously rude to have invited to treat you and then presumed that you had enough to splurge on him. However, in your shoes you had to accept you might be paying if the contingency on being paid back was a second date- which you may or may not accept. I can't imagine a guy who you don't see often, lives an hour away, and has been denied a second date mailing you a check for the previous date.

I never go out, even with my boyfriend of 6 years, without full intentions of paying for half. If I get treated, well, it's that- a treat.

I love to be adored, but my boyfriend would tell you that I do my fair share of adoring as well.

 

[3jane]

He sounds like a total ass. I mean, at least have the decency to be apologetic and considerate to your unsuspecting date.

Plus, to pull this on Vday, really? Geez, even if you don't buy into the hype, it's difficult to escape getting your expectations up a little-- what would normally be shrugged off as just a bad date would understandably be much more irritating. Salt in the wound, y'know?

Anyway, a more tactful way to deal with it, if you're ever in this situation again... you could say that since you were expecting him to pay (he did offer), unfortunately you didn't bring much cash with you (like say, enough to cover your half just in case, but not to cover you both)... so unfortunately (wipe imaginary tear) you'll have to reschedule, or at least it gives you an excuse to change the activity to just grabbing coffee or whatever... definitely so he's not swilling martinis at your expense. It gives you a polite out.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer So if a man asks me out I should get the cheapest thing on the menu and not drink more than one drink? Would a woman be legitimately expected to do the same if the man is paying?

The fact that he was so rude about it is what makes him a jerkface, not that the person with penis has to pay. Screw chivalry, imo-- replace that with common decency, which doesn't discriminate.

(Whoever asks, my own default is going halfsies. I usually offer several times and only let the guy pay if he really insists. If we date for a while, then usually each person pays for every other date. If it's my turn to pay and I forget my wallet or whatever, then um, yeah, I do try not to get several drinks that night-- it's just rude otherwise.)

Ultimately, if you're that broke don't offer to take someone out. Or plan a cheap date. Or offer to go Dutch. How hard is that?? Either you're just shady for misleading someone, or you're kind of a spaz that you can't figure out what's going on with your money-- neither of which is a good sign/impression.

I can't help but get the vibe that guys like this do take advantage of the woman's desire/need to "be nice" and "not be a bitch." It's easy to say "turn around!/ditch him!" but when in that situation, it's difficult for a lot of women to bail at the last minute without some sort of polite excuse.

 

[Lissah]

I agree 3jane. He asked her out and offered to treat her to dinner. True, he called her while she was on her way and told her he was out of money, she could have backed out then, probably should have. Hindsight is 20/20. I don't see anything wrong with trying to be gracious and agreeing to pay for both of them, but here are the things that bother me:

He asked her out and made it clear that he wanted to treat her.
Why wouldn't he have borrowed money from someone else before the date? I would have for sure or I would have cancelled. Do all his friends know him so well that they wouldn't give him a loan? hmmm...(yeah, I admit I'm probably overthinking here)
He spent his last few dollars on a drink for himself instead of contributing to the bill. It would have been a better gesture to at least offer it to her to go toward the bill. This reminds me of people who borrow money from you, tell you they can't afford to pay you back right now, yet spend money they supposedly don't have in front of you on things that are luxuries.
He continued to order extra drinks. I would never do that to a friend I informed last minute that I would be unable to pay, even if I was going to pay them back. I definitely would not be then asking to go to a movie without money! He sounds all too comfortable being a sponge.

To me, this is not about being sexist and saying the man should always pay. This is about not being pushy and presumptuous with someone you barely even know.

 

[DirtyPlum]

Ummm, how about you now let him double treat you at the MAC counter?

 

[Willa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer bullshit. It's not a man's responsibility to pay just because he has a penis...anymore than it's a woman's entitlement not to pay because she has a vagina. Chivalry is all well and good, but he warned you up front he was broke, and you went anyway. *shrug*

Exactly!

Nothing more to say

We all learn from our mistakes my dear, at least you didnt pay for a travel in a 5* hotel in front of the ocean

 

[Beauty Mark]

Personally, I somewhat see where you're coming from. When I eat out and I know someone else is paying, I try to be reasonable. I don't order something off the menu that I hate, because it's the cheapest, but I also don't order the $50 thing. Like if my friend offers to get dinner for me wherever I pick, I'm not going to pick the $200/plate place. I pick something reasonable. However, I realize when you offer to pay, unless you put conditions down, you offer to pay regardless.

Honestly, though, it does sound like you have rather old-fashioned expectations from the posts further down and that's what's really bugging you. I don't think that's fair. I consider myself an equal when I go out for a date; I don't get things I couldn't afford. A guy should never be obligated to pay for you (this isn't just directed at the OP) and you should never expect that. Many guys, especially in this economy, don't have that kind of money.

I don't know why you went along with it or didn't say something at the time about you yourself not having that much money to spend.

 

[ohnna-lee]

.....

 

[s0_fam0us]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DirtyPlum Ummm, how about you now let him double treat you at the MAC counter?

If only life were that easy...

 

[Eire3]

I really understand that your culture is way different from mine and i'm trying to see the problem from your point of you but i just can't feel that you're 100% right...

Of course he's an asshole, but maybe mainly for his bad manners IMHO...if he already invited you out for valentine's day and were sorry to cancel the date because he was broke (maybe he didn't want to make you think he was standing you up? Dunno, but maybe...) he could just have said "i'm sorry but for certain unespected reasons i'm broke and can't pay you dinner as i promised...shall we just go out for a drink instead?"
The fact that he made his belly full like a pig with your money (did he say thanks at least??) just shows his rudeness.

But as many already said you shouldn't have treat him like that. Maybe, if you were shy to say him what he deserved, you should have just said "you're broke and i already spent much money this month...but since the important thing is enjoying ourselves shall we go for a McDonald's?" Try to put things as a joke when you're too scared to say things as they are...this is just a suggestion, i really don't have the intention to say how you must act.

The one thing with which i really can't agree is the whole i'm-a-woman-so-i-must-be-your-princess thing. Really, i do understand that yours is a very different culture from mine, as i said before, but i don't really think that being a princess for your man just means that he must treat you to dinner and earn much money than you do.
I'm being in a relationship, it's 6 years and a half now, and i really don't mind to pay my part when we go out for dinner or for a drink at night and offer a coffee or an ice-cream sometimes. Though i like when he treats me for my birthday or valentine's day or whatsoever because i feel it like a present from him, not a duty.
He's making me feel i'm his princess in many other ways, like showing me always respect and paying attention to my decisions and thoughts, making me compliments when he feels I'm especially beautiful, notice when i pay attention in my make up and colthes just to go out with him, taking a day off from work to spend it with me, supporting me when i have to make difficult decisions or i'm going through a difficult period of my life and so on (and when he buys MAC stuff for you as a present when you're drooling in front of the store and don't have money to spend LOL).
A man who acts like that has always been the man of my dreams (and i found him and i'm grateful for this) and i think this is the best way a man can make you feel important, as a woman and as his partner.

Maybe mine is a voice out of the chorus (do you have this saying in english? Not very sure, just translating from italian literally, hope you understant the same XDD) because my dream has always been to earn lots of money and have a successfull career, even more than him (oh i really would be thankful if he could do the "homehusband" i do hate houseworks and stuff XDD except cooking tho XD). I wouldn't even mind being the only one to work in the couple (if it's not because he's lazy of course).
But anyway, whatever your believings about the couple are, i just think that there are so much more important things than money-related ones to show you respect and devotion...

 

[Lapis]

ohhh when he said he was broke, I would have said well damn I don't have my cards on me and I'm almost there, oops sorry, and see what he said, while driving back home.
I've had enough of gold digging men personally, my friends have the uncanny ability to pick up these guys who they end up supporting, and it always starts with dinner out and ends up with them living for free and spending their paycheck on hobbies, while my friends feed them and pay the bills, so my views are a bit colored

 

[jenee.sum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eire3 He's making me feel i'm his princess in many other ways, like showing me always respect and paying attention to my decisions and thoughts, making me compliments when he feels I'm especially beautiful, notice when i pay attention in my make up and colthes just to go out with him, taking a day off from work to spend it with me, supporting me when i have to make difficult decisions or i'm going through a difficult period of my life and so on (and when he buys MAC stuff for you as a present when you're drooling in front of the store and don't have money to spend

totally agree w/ u. sometimes it's the little/subtle things that count. some men think you should bow to them and clean their feet b/c they pay for everything (cuz they make more money, cuz u expect them to pay for everything...or watever). i don't think that's what you or any of us would want, right? or maybe you do...i don't know.

we're all raised differently and have certain beliefs/values, but a man who pays for everything doesn't have to necessarily think you're his princess/queen. you can just be something he controls...cuz he has the power to (aka. money). - THAT'S when a man has the opportunity to step all over you and view himself higher than you. and when that happens, you definitely won't be his EQUAL. in fact, he may think you're his bitch. he'd probably be thinking..."HA! princess my ass. everything you own came from my wallet. i own you bitch"

i vote for manners, and power for all the ladies!

 

[Macnarsandlove]

Ehhh this is kinda difficult for me.

I used to believe everything should be split in 1/2 if a date is mutually aggreeded on. I have paid the check on dates and this was usually for dead-beats I was attracted to and wanted to hang out with. I just chalked it up as a L if it didnt work out.

But yeah I have gone on dates with guys I wasnt intrested just to get taken out. I just look at it like "oh well". Thats the dating game, too bad.

So Ive been on both sides.

One thing that hit me wrong is the "queen" thing. I think that most women that believe this are uaually sitting on an imaginary high horse. my 2 cents.

 

[Lapis]

Quote:

Originally Posted by smith130 One thing that hit me wrong is the "queen" thing. I think that most women that believe this are uaually sitting on an imaginary high horse. my 2 cents.

Quote:

we're all raised differently and have certain beliefs/values, but a man who pays for everything doesn't have to necessarily think you're his princess/queen. you can just be something he controls...cuz he has the power to (aka. money). - THAT'S when a man has the opportunity to step all over you and view himself higher than you. and when that happens, you definitely won't be his EQUAL. in fact, he may think you're his bitch. he'd probably be thinking..."HA! princess my ass. everything you own came from my wallet. i own you bitch"

really?
My dh tells me all the time I'm the queen has for the last 9 years, I'm not on a high horse, I am a sahm and he tells me all the time it's our money and that I shouldn't feel guilty for spending it, he never uses money against me, I actually used to make more than he did and he never said anything

Truthfully I've never been on a true date and had to pay, I have split and paid bills with/for male friends, ex's and guys I'm actually involved with after the initial "Hi I'd like to take you out" dates, but a first date nope.