Vlcatko
Well-known member
I want to really really apologize for pouring out my miserable heart here, I know it is not fair to bother other people with my problems, but you guys here are so wonderful and although I've never seen a single one of you I have seen you give support and kind words to many of us... And... I really could use some right now...
It's been 20 hours since my boyfriend left me. We were together for over 9.5 years. Yeah. That long. I wanted to marry him and have kids with him and all that... Since yesterday I have been crying constantly, I've had just 4 hours of sleep and I honestly do not know what the hell should I do.
At first I could't believe it. Well he's been acting really weird lately but when I tried to talk about it with him he said it was his work. And then, out of the blue, he goes and says he can't go on and that we have to break up.
When I asked why I had to pry the answer from him. It was one of the most humiliating things in my life. Asking in tears why is the loved one leaving you. His answers were really foggy and I just couldn't understand. Finally he said that the decision was in him for some time only he wasn't very sure about it. He said it first came to him when he fell in love with another girl (I wasn't able to find out who she is and it drives me nuts), the second moment for him when "it ended" (his words, by which I am supposedly to believe he is not with her any more?) and there was a third and final moment/incident/whatever but his wording was so hazy and bizzare I just do not know what he was trying to say.
I then asked if all that meant he didn't love me anymore and after quite a long period of silence he said he didn't. He looked at me and in a quiet weird voice said "Yes. I don't love you anymore." I think, at that exact moment, my heart finally broke. I thought I could forgive him anything but I can't force him to love me.
I proceeded with silent crying alternated by sobbing while he was walking around pronouncing things like "please please believe me it wasn't anything you have said or done, or didn't" and he also wanted me to yell at him and call him names, which I couldn't.
He called my mother to drive to our flat and he started packing all his things. I could just sit on the sofa, hold on to a pillow and my mind was completely blank. I didn't know what to feel, do, say... I coudn't breathe and my only feeling was hollowness and deep deep sadness inside that giant hollow.
I managed to put myself together a bit to ask how long he had known/or he was making his mind up and at first he didn't want to answer because "listening to it would be masochistic and it is not necessary for you (me) to recover from our breakup" but I insisted and in the end he said about two months. Which is around the time we made love for the last time (on our brand new bed we just bought with mainly his money) and about the time he started acting weird - he seemed depressed at times, he didn't want to cuddle or sometimes he almost ignored me (as I already said I noticed it before and tried to talk about it with him but he always said it was a deadline at work or some-such).
After that I just sat there, watched him from the corner of my eye and wept. My mother arrived, they had brief chat I didn't hear except for my mother's last remark that she will always be on my side. I clung to my mother as I clung to that pillow before and I couldn't almost talk to her.
He started to carry his things into the car (my parent's second car, btw - so he had to ask my mother to borrow it to get his things away) and when he left with the first part of his things (around midnight) mother tried to get me to bed. I couldn't fall asleep, tears kept falling down my temples and my nose was so full I couldn't breathe through it. At 5 in the morning I woke up and as soon I had my conciousness back so did I my sorrow.
I tried hard to keep the tears at bay by cleannig and throwing amazing amount of stuff away and shopping with mother but always there is the knowledge that now I am alone. He is not there for me anymore. And I do not know what I should feel about it. Is sadness enough? Should there be anger? Regret? Hate? I don't know - I am just weeping or apathethic, for randomly long periods of time from seconds to hours in duration.
I really don't know what to do with this mess. I know everyone always says things will get better with time, but you know what - right now I don't believe I will ever be as happy as I was with him. I was so completely happy wih him, he was perfect. We never fought once, we were both tolerant and thoughtful toward each other... I mean I feel like I am broken now, unable to love anyone else, ever, because I will always think he was the best.
So I am 27 (oh, this is rich, my birthday was last week and we held a big party just this weekend - when I asked him why he had to wait for my birthday to break up with me he said he didn't want to spoil the party for me becase I was so excited about it - great, so he spoiled the rest of my life instead...) without a boyfriend, emotionally broken and without a clue what to do next...
It's been 20 hours since my boyfriend left me. We were together for over 9.5 years. Yeah. That long. I wanted to marry him and have kids with him and all that... Since yesterday I have been crying constantly, I've had just 4 hours of sleep and I honestly do not know what the hell should I do.
At first I could't believe it. Well he's been acting really weird lately but when I tried to talk about it with him he said it was his work. And then, out of the blue, he goes and says he can't go on and that we have to break up.
When I asked why I had to pry the answer from him. It was one of the most humiliating things in my life. Asking in tears why is the loved one leaving you. His answers were really foggy and I just couldn't understand. Finally he said that the decision was in him for some time only he wasn't very sure about it. He said it first came to him when he fell in love with another girl (I wasn't able to find out who she is and it drives me nuts), the second moment for him when "it ended" (his words, by which I am supposedly to believe he is not with her any more?) and there was a third and final moment/incident/whatever but his wording was so hazy and bizzare I just do not know what he was trying to say.
I then asked if all that meant he didn't love me anymore and after quite a long period of silence he said he didn't. He looked at me and in a quiet weird voice said "Yes. I don't love you anymore." I think, at that exact moment, my heart finally broke. I thought I could forgive him anything but I can't force him to love me.
I proceeded with silent crying alternated by sobbing while he was walking around pronouncing things like "please please believe me it wasn't anything you have said or done, or didn't" and he also wanted me to yell at him and call him names, which I couldn't.
He called my mother to drive to our flat and he started packing all his things. I could just sit on the sofa, hold on to a pillow and my mind was completely blank. I didn't know what to feel, do, say... I coudn't breathe and my only feeling was hollowness and deep deep sadness inside that giant hollow.
I managed to put myself together a bit to ask how long he had known/or he was making his mind up and at first he didn't want to answer because "listening to it would be masochistic and it is not necessary for you (me) to recover from our breakup" but I insisted and in the end he said about two months. Which is around the time we made love for the last time (on our brand new bed we just bought with mainly his money) and about the time he started acting weird - he seemed depressed at times, he didn't want to cuddle or sometimes he almost ignored me (as I already said I noticed it before and tried to talk about it with him but he always said it was a deadline at work or some-such).
After that I just sat there, watched him from the corner of my eye and wept. My mother arrived, they had brief chat I didn't hear except for my mother's last remark that she will always be on my side. I clung to my mother as I clung to that pillow before and I couldn't almost talk to her.
He started to carry his things into the car (my parent's second car, btw - so he had to ask my mother to borrow it to get his things away) and when he left with the first part of his things (around midnight) mother tried to get me to bed. I couldn't fall asleep, tears kept falling down my temples and my nose was so full I couldn't breathe through it. At 5 in the morning I woke up and as soon I had my conciousness back so did I my sorrow.
I tried hard to keep the tears at bay by cleannig and throwing amazing amount of stuff away and shopping with mother but always there is the knowledge that now I am alone. He is not there for me anymore. And I do not know what I should feel about it. Is sadness enough? Should there be anger? Regret? Hate? I don't know - I am just weeping or apathethic, for randomly long periods of time from seconds to hours in duration.
I really don't know what to do with this mess. I know everyone always says things will get better with time, but you know what - right now I don't believe I will ever be as happy as I was with him. I was so completely happy wih him, he was perfect. We never fought once, we were both tolerant and thoughtful toward each other... I mean I feel like I am broken now, unable to love anyone else, ever, because I will always think he was the best.
So I am 27 (oh, this is rich, my birthday was last week and we held a big party just this weekend - when I asked him why he had to wait for my birthday to break up with me he said he didn't want to spoil the party for me becase I was so excited about it - great, so he spoiled the rest of my life instead...) without a boyfriend, emotionally broken and without a clue what to do next...