My life as I knew it is over...

Vlcatko

Well-known member
I want to really really apologize for pouring out my miserable heart here, I know it is not fair to bother other people with my problems, but you guys here are so wonderful and although I've never seen a single one of you I have seen you give support and kind words to many of us... And... I really could use some right now...

It's been 20 hours since my boyfriend left me. We were together for over 9.5 years. Yeah. That long. I wanted to marry him and have kids with him and all that... Since yesterday I have been crying constantly, I've had just 4 hours of sleep and I honestly do not know what the hell should I do.

At first I could't believe it. Well he's been acting really weird lately but when I tried to talk about it with him he said it was his work. And then, out of the blue, he goes and says he can't go on and that we have to break up.

When I asked why I had to pry the answer from him. It was one of the most humiliating things in my life. Asking in tears why is the loved one leaving you. His answers were really foggy and I just couldn't understand. Finally he said that the decision was in him for some time only he wasn't very sure about it. He said it first came to him when he fell in love with another girl (I wasn't able to find out who she is and it drives me nuts), the second moment for him when "it ended" (his words, by which I am supposedly to believe he is not with her any more?) and there was a third and final moment/incident/whatever but his wording was so hazy and bizzare I just do not know what he was trying to say.

I then asked if all that meant he didn't love me anymore and after quite a long period of silence he said he didn't. He looked at me and in a quiet weird voice said "Yes. I don't love you anymore." I think, at that exact moment, my heart finally broke. I thought I could forgive him anything but I can't force him to love me.

I proceeded with silent crying alternated by sobbing while he was walking around pronouncing things like "please please believe me it wasn't anything you have said or done, or didn't" and he also wanted me to yell at him and call him names, which I couldn't.

He called my mother to drive to our flat and he started packing all his things. I could just sit on the sofa, hold on to a pillow and my mind was completely blank. I didn't know what to feel, do, say... I coudn't breathe and my only feeling was hollowness and deep deep sadness inside that giant hollow.

I managed to put myself together a bit to ask how long he had known/or he was making his mind up and at first he didn't want to answer because "listening to it would be masochistic and it is not necessary for you (me) to recover from our breakup" but I insisted and in the end he said about two months. Which is around the time we made love for the last time (on our brand new bed we just bought with mainly his money) and about the time he started acting weird - he seemed depressed at times, he didn't want to cuddle or sometimes he almost ignored me (as I already said I noticed it before and tried to talk about it with him but he always said it was a deadline at work or some-such).

After that I just sat there, watched him from the corner of my eye and wept. My mother arrived, they had brief chat I didn't hear except for my mother's last remark that she will always be on my side. I clung to my mother as I clung to that pillow before and I couldn't almost talk to her.

He started to carry his things into the car (my parent's second car, btw - so he had to ask my mother to borrow it to get his things away) and when he left with the first part of his things (around midnight) mother tried to get me to bed. I couldn't fall asleep, tears kept falling down my temples and my nose was so full I couldn't breathe through it. At 5 in the morning I woke up and as soon I had my conciousness back so did I my sorrow.

I tried hard to keep the tears at bay by cleannig and throwing amazing amount of stuff away and shopping with mother but always there is the knowledge that now I am alone. He is not there for me anymore. And I do not know what I should feel about it. Is sadness enough? Should there be anger? Regret? Hate? I don't know - I am just weeping or apathethic, for randomly long periods of time from seconds to hours in duration.

I really don't know what to do with this mess. I know everyone always says things will get better with time, but you know what - right now I don't believe I will ever be as happy as I was with him. I was so completely happy wih him, he was perfect. We never fought once, we were both tolerant and thoughtful toward each other... I mean I feel like I am broken now, unable to love anyone else, ever, because I will always think he was the best.

So I am 27 (oh, this is rich, my birthday was last week and we held a big party just this weekend - when I asked him why he had to wait for my birthday to break up with me he said he didn't want to spoil the party for me becase I was so excited about it - great, so he spoiled the rest of my life instead...) without a boyfriend, emotionally broken and without a clue what to do next...
 

makeba

Well-known member
ah I soo sorry to hear this but You must begin the healing process. I know, I know it sounds easy said but you must. You can badger yourself with question after question and hurt yourself more. The amount of years you have been together you deserve a clear explanation as to why this happened! But if he is not willing to provide it, gives hazy reasons etc then what else do you do? crying is good because it rids the body of negative energy. surround yourself with loved ones and when you feel like you want to scream do it!! but know that you have to begin to HEAL!!! I went through a terrible seperation from my husband (his choice) and it liked to killed me! so I know your hurt! I cried and cried and surrounded myself around my friends and family and eventually I got my head on. Do not believe you can not exist without him because that is the devil talking! Hell what did you do before him! exist!!! Remember you must cry then heal and move on!!!
 

katred

Specktra Bestie
I don't blame you for being so upset. This is a very long relationship, particularly since it started so young (given your age now). I went through something similar years ago, although the relationship wasn't nearly so long and I really couldn't conceive that I would ever be as happy as I was during that time. It was a while before I healed, but I've ended up being far happier than I ever was then.

It sounds like an empty promise to say that things will get better. They will, but when we're so messed up, it seems impossible because we can't see the bridge between the abyss where we are and the happy plateau we'll eventually reach. When even getting out of bed seems like an effort, it's hard to think that you'll have the strength to pull yourself out of this hole.

The key for me was to keep busy. Yes you should let yourself have the time to cry and reflect, but giving too much time is just going to strengthen the grip that depression has on you. Spend time with your family, go out with friends, take up hobbies or take classes on things that have always interested you, read books- anything that keeps your attention and doesn't let you spend too much time thinking about this relationship. Another thing that I'd recommend is keeping very physically active. Walk places whenever you can, work out, do some kind of sport, etc. The reason for doing that is if your body is tired, it will make you sleep, so you won't spend hours in bed at night being tortured by thoughts that you can't possibly resolve. Nights can be bad during times like this.

Your thread title is exactly right: This is the end of your life as you knew it. From this point, you have a new life, something you can do whatever you want with. And even though it's come about in painful circumstances, that's ultimately a good thing.
 

elegant-one

Well-known member
All things work together for our good - even the painful things!

I was in your shoes many years ago & like you thought that my life was over & the fear of being alone & unhappy forever seemed so real.

BUT

I later met my husband of now 31 years! IT was the relationship that was meant to be, the other one would have only brought me misery. As painful as it is now, you would never want to be married to & have children with someone who lived a lie. You will walk through the pain & come out on the other side whole & happy. Have confidence in yourself knowing that it is not your fault.

Hugs
 

silentstorm143

Well-known member
I went thru a similar situation my bf broke up with me when I was pregnant with our second son, he decided he didn't/couldn't/want me or being a full time dad. I still don't know why he didnt want to be with me we were together since we were 13(I'm 26 now). Its terribly painful to go thru something like that to sit and wonder why, what did you do or didn't do? I am truly sorry you are having to go through this. The honest truth you wont ever get a clear answer because they don't even know you will only make yourself feel worse trying to figure it out. To this day -I have to see my ex because of our kids- I don't know why he didn't want me anymore or what changed. However let yourself grieve what is gone, keep busy, take comfort in those around you and then let go. Doors close so others may open things happen for different reasons and like some of the other girls have said it could be because you have to be free for the one your meant to be with. It gets better slowly and you will be stronger because of it. Take care and if you need anything ask.
 

buddleia

Well-known member
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Give yourself time to mourn, grieve, feel sad, feel whatever it is you're feeling. And take care of yourself - sleep, eat well, exercise, see your friends, etc. Who knows why he wanted to break up - the fact is, that's what he wanted. I'm sorry. That's better than knowing that he wanted to break up, but stayed with you. I hope this blog post will help you (not written by me!
smiles.gif
Chelsea Talks Smack: I'm not dead....even though it feels like I am. That was written in late June, and by August (see her latest posts), she got to a place where she was doing REALLY well. She got a great job, moved into a new place and now has a great roommate and friend. None of this would have happened if her breakup didn't happen.

Take care of yourself... and know that you're not the only one this has happened to!!!
 

marajode

Well-known member
I haven't read any of the replies. But your post really impacted me.
Reading your post takes me back about 16 years ago. I honestly did not know how in the hell I could go on. Really, I didn't. And at that point, I had never been alone. It was one of the worst times of my life up to that point.

I won't get into any details. I just wanted to tell you that I know that right now feels like you can't go on. I remember feeling that way. I don't want to diminish how hopeless you feel.
I do want to tell you that although you hear this, you WON"T feel like this forever. It hurts like hell right now.
I can promise that it won't feel like this forever.
THere is a reason for everything. If that reason is for you to meet the person that's your soul mate, or if it's for you to do something on your own.
You have the strength inside you. It doesn't help you right now. But please know that so many of us have been there, and have come out the other side ok.

HUGS.
You will be ok. I know you don't believe it. I didn't either.
 

FiestyFemme

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by elegant-one
All things work together for our good - even the painful things!

I was in your shoes many years ago & like you thought that my life was over & the fear of being alone & unhappy forever seemed so real.

BUT

I later met my husband of now 31 years! IT was the relationship that was meant to be, the other one would have only brought me misery. As painful as it is now, you would never want to be married to & have children with someone who lived a lie. You will walk through the pain & come out on the other side whole & happy. Have confidence in yourself knowing that it is not your fault.

Hugs


Could not have said this better myself!
I, too, was dumped after many years without a clear explanation or reason why. You can torture yourself all day long with questions, but it won't change anything. It took a long time for me to get over it, but it was literally the most freeing experience of my life. I think you will be amazed at just how happy you can be without him. I know it seems hard to see now, but it's true!
 

LMD84

Well-known member
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i'm so sorry that you are going trhough such a shit time right now. 9+ years is a very long time to be with somebody so i can see why you are quite so devistated.
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i think the best thing to do right now is just let it all out. Stay home, cry, get angry and feel worried about the future. However you must pull yourself back out after a few days with new thoughts - you'll still be scared and sad, however you need to start thinking of this as a new begining. Yes you are single right now but by no means are you alone. You have friends, family and of course us guys on here!
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Try and stay focused. what things would you like to do that perhaps you weren't able to before? Maybe treat yourself to something, go on holiday to a place he never wanted to visit, or even just relax and watch movies that he would have hated and never watched with you. because your life is far from over right now - you're 27 so it is only just begining! you will meet somebody else to share you life with, it may be years from now and there may be a few duds on the way, but it will happen.

just stay strong and positive because you can get through this.
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banana1234

Well-known member
th_hug.gif
i think most women can sympathise with this

just take each day at a time and use the support of your friends and family

it is better this happened now, before you have children and get married

you are now free to find the real 'one'

i hope you have a speedy recovery

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laguayaca

Well-known member
I just send you my hugs girl! I can only imagine what you must be feeling. I'm so sorry you are going through this bhut I am sure that through this you will only grow stronger.
 

iadoremac

Well-known member
Oh you poor child! you have every right to be upset, 9.5 years is a very very long time. I know it seems as if its the end of the world and you would never be the same but try not to put too much pressure on your self and take it one day at a time. His excuses dont even make sense to me but whatever it is i know you will be alright because you are a strong woman
 

StyleDemonXoXo

Active member
Let him go and forget him! He shouldn't have even had the chance to ''fall in love'' with anybody else because he was with you! That makes me so mad, and you deserve better. Don't ever beg him to take you back, save yourself the pain and just let him go. He's a liar and a cheater and he's not worth your pride. You'll find a better man, just stay true to who you are and do not give in to depression. You can cry and hate his guts, don't hate yourself, you'll never get over him unless you believe there's better out there waiting for you. Don't tell yourself he was the best man for u either because he was not. He wouldn't have done this to u if he was. I don't believe in 2nd chances when it comes to cheating. You cheat on me then get out of my life. I would never cheat and I expect the same back. That's what the best is, when you get back just as much as you give in a relationship.
 

s_lost

Well-known member
Oh sweet, I'm so so sorry! Your post it's heartbreaking.

Several of us had already been there. I now that it doesn't matter to you now, when everything seems so pointless... but time makes everyting better.

It took me 2 years to get over a breakup - a time when I did a lot of stupid things, trying to get better. Now I'm with my husband for almost 10 years, and he's the one for me. At that time, I didn't believe that I could be happy again, and I'm more happy now than I ever was.

Give yourself time, cry when you feel you need to. And please remember: you're the person that you need love the most.

You'll get better
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Vlcatko

Well-known member
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. It really helped me out of the darkest moments to write what happend to me here and your comments and thoughts are helping me every day
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I still cry a lot and when I read that blog buddleia linked I thought it was almost as bad as the first day. But I feel I am getting better, every shed tear is a step away from that pain and I know I will one day see something, think about him AND NOT CRY but as of now that day is very distant for me...

My family is a great help but I shy away from other people - every single person I called a friend was his friend first and I do not have the strenght or will to see them, talk to them or even think about them. I hate it but I think when I lost him I lost all my friends too... I do not have the will to fight for them with him. I do not want to see him ever again, I do not want to hear about him and I do not want to talk about him and with his friends there'll always be that possibility.

If I am still clueless about my life and generally everything else too I know one thing: I really really wish this was one bad dream and I wish I woke up and all this didn't happen. But it did and even if I desperately want all that I had, if he ever asked me to take him back I wouldn't take him. I would not be able to trust him that he wouldn't hurt me this bad again. I wouldn't risk it.

My biggest fear now is that I will never trust anyone so completely again. My first boyfriend broke up with me when I was seventeen (after 3 years of being together) and it was really bad. I loved him very much and he was using it to his advantage. He had several girlfriends at once (I didn't know about that, I found after he broke up with me) and he didn't even tell me he loved me - but hey, first love, young naivete and all... In the end I was happy he left me. Then I met "him" and it was like I was a different person. I never knew such happines and I was convinced that it was what love really looks like. When I imagine I could go through all this all over again... I do not know - is it worth the eventual pain? Will I settle for something smaller in fear of being alone? Will noone be good enough for me because I will be searching for all that I had already had?

I am such a lone wolf - I have always had very few friends, I have always spent all my free time at home reading and in groups of more than three people I become very shy and indrawn... Now I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life... And what is worse I might be beginning to think it wouldn't be all that bad... But... That's not right - is it?
 

marajode

Well-known member
First of all, thank you for posting an update. I'm glad to see you here. It's amazing how you can have concern for a person you've never even spoken to.
Everything you are feeling is completely normal. There is no right or wrong way to go through what you are.

You're absolutely right. You will be able to think about him without crying.
Remind yourself daily!

I'm glad you are letting your family be a help. Sometimes we withdraw from family too. I'm happy to hear you aren't.

I believe that you will trust again. I think it just takes the right person. These experiences we have with so much pain make up appreciate SOO much when the right people come into our lives. I think these experiences make us better partners, too.
Learning to be alone is one of the hardest things to do. I don't think it's necessary to your happiness to have a partner, but I also think it's important to eventually learn to take risks.
But I don't think you have to worry too much about being with someone right now. Take care of YOU first. Grieve, heal, learn.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is one of the most horrible feelings in the world. But you sound like you are on the right path!

Sorry for the rambling,

th_hug.gif

HUGS!
 

kabuki_KILLER

Well-known member
I am so sorry, love. T_T **hugs**
That boy needs to be smacked. Multiple times.
With an anvil.

He actually had all his stuff at your place and was using your family's car? And he dumps you in this manner? What a disrespecting leech. I'd ask for all my crap back from him and move on ASAP.

GUH. Be strong and tough. Don't take any crap or let those idiots manipulate you and make you weak and compliant.
 

Eleentje

Well-known member
Oh hun, your story sounds so much like my story that happened some years ago!!! I wish I could give you real hugs right now!

My first serious boyfriend and love broke up with me in order to be with someone he had known for 3 days. We had been together for 4,5 years (not really 9,5 years, but long enough to have pretty much everything in my life associated with him), and his parents were already calling me their daughter-in-law...

He was also giving me all kind vague and absurd reasons at the time, and, tbh, it won't hurt less if you'll know the REAL reason. I also somehow believe that they don't really know the exact reason themselves at that time (I'm not talking about men who base the whole relationship on a lie, but men who genuinly love you for a long time, and then they no longer do, without any of your fault in it).

You need to try to not concentrate on all these things, and, instead, you can concentrate on your new life. Believe me, this man is not worthy of your tears. Back then I kept saying to myself: "I am so happy that this has happened before we got married, or got kids even.... It would have been so much worse then". I couldn't help being not depressed; I couldn't eat, so I've lost a lot of weight within just a week. I cried so awfully much! Weeks later I would still have a random cry, while walking home from my university, I just couldn't help it! I felt so alone as well, because, just like in your case, all my friends were really his friends (I've started dating him, when I moved to the Netherlands, so I never worked hard on getting my own friends--I simply didn't have time for that, studying, working, helping my family and having a bf). All my dreams, hopes, wishes were destroyed in one day. It didn't help either that that new girl had moved in with him pretty much straight away, so it was extra painful to hear her voice in the background, when me and him were on the phone.

At certain point he asked me to come and pick up my stuff at his place (we didn't live together yet), and when I got there he simply handed me a bag with all my stuff in it already. And that was "the end of my life as I knew it".

It took me a long time to recover, but, no matter how cliche it sounds, time does heal. Don't let him do you any more harm, than has been done already. I was not strong enough, and abandoned my studies for a long period of time. Now I'm suffering the consequences: im only now writing my thesis, and it's so challenging for so many reasons. Back then I thought it to be a good idea to devote all my time to work, and this would help me not to feel miserable. I ended up working 60 hour weeks! I'm still surprise I didn't get some kind of burn-out.

I hope that, unlike me, you'll be able to find a perfect balance between the things you'll be devoting your spare time to to take your mind away from the depressing stuff. Take up a new hobby, get a gym membership, like girls have advised, and make sure to pamper yourself plenty, cos you deserve it! Are there any Czech forums similar to Specktra you could join? This way you could try to meet new friends in your area, with whom you share the same interests
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I hope you'll start feeling better soon! I'll be happy to help out with any kind of an advice, if you ever need any from me
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euphrosyne_rose

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by elegant-one
As painful as it is now, you would never want to be married to & have children with someone who lived a lie. You will walk through the pain & come out on the other side whole & happy. Have confidence in yourself knowing that it is not your fault.

Hugs



This is so true. Like alot of people on here, something slightly similar happened to me a few years back. By no means was my relationship as long as yours, but the pain was nearly the same. I had been with someone who I had come to love but I think deep down I knew he didn't love me. He acted weird towards me after a time and when I tried talking to him about it, he sort of did the same thing and put me off by lying and telling me it was his work or he was tired, etc. Eventually I had it out with him and he pretty much admitted he "wasn't sure" how he felt about me and he needed time to think. He was supposed to call me a week later so we could talk and of course he never did. I found out about 2 months later that he had met someone else and had started seeing her right before we had our pow wow. I happened to be walking around at Barnes and Noble a few weeks later (trying to keep busy as some people suggested here) and I came across this one book that I can't remember the name of, but one of the things in it was advice on breakups and there was a bit of wisdom there that really helped me. It basically said that you aren't always going to get all the answers you need and sometimes, you have to get closure by yourself. Once I read that, things became a little easier for me, as lame as that sounds. I learned that I was going to have to let go and it was certainly easier said than done. And yes, there's a scar there still, but it gets fainter every day. Eventually the same will happen for you, and you will be stronger and the better for it in the end.

Hugs and please let us know who you are doing!
 

Vlcatko

Well-known member
Thank you everyone again for your continuing support and kind words
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I am struggling on, day by day, and bit by small bit I feel better. I try not to think about how long it will take me to be back to my healthy and normal self because right now I can't picture myself as such but I believe I will make it eventually...

I keep myself busy, mainly with work and resettling my flat. I have a new giant warderobe and brand new and awesome luxe carpet in my bedroom, I am planning a new sofa and bringing here all my bookshelves and books form my parents' house.

Next month I will be going to London for two weeks for an English course (as a part of my job, which is great as I will get paid while I have fun learning more English) and at the end of the year I am going to Stockholm to spend the New Year's Day there...

I am also thinking about quitting the school I am at right now (I am on a year-long break as I have not managed some of my exams in first two terms, but I do not really feel like doing that school - "he" was the main reason I went to any school at all and I felt forced all the time) - I do want to get a master's degree eventually but I am thinking about studying abroad - Stockholm actually
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I would like to return to the field I have my first degree in and the possibility to study in Stockholm is really inviting... I just do not know if the universities I selected would accept me if I do not meet their requirements 100%... I guess I will just have to try and see
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