Sigh....cutting

[Willa]

Thank you everyone for sharing your point of views, stories...
I never cut, but I do self destruct myself with food...
I over eat, hyperphagia. I think I know how you all feel sometimes, you just want the anger, pain, to get out.

It is sometimes very hard to channel the emotions, and you just don't know what to do, how to do it, especially when you had this habbit since many years.

Writing is a good way for me to express my feeling, even if it doesnt make sense, I usually don't even read what I wrote, but I know that after, I'll feel good, or better. I just can't imagine what person would think after reading my journals... they would think that I am a weeeeeeirdoooo hahaha

The key is to understand why we feel bad, and to tell the deamon inside of us that he won't win this time.

 

[k.a.t]

Quote:

Originally Posted by babydoll_020 Im really sorry to hear that you have to go through this again... I mean to think that my one of my best friend use to do this to herself really pains me to hear anythign related...Ironically, I can still find the reasons why she did it, so rational.. She couldnt deal with the internal/mental things in her head...the thoughts consumed her so much that it prevented her from sleeping. They say "its all in the mind" and for her, it was, and so was the pain. From a cut, you could easily put some creme on it and let it heal, but I think the pain she had mentally was too much for her to bear and so hard to heal, let alone deal with, so she needed to divert the pain elsewhere. Somewhere where someone could actually notice, and help her, help herself basically. And she got help.. i was there with her throughout it.. and there were times she relapsed.. but it happened everytime she didnt deal what was on her mind directly.. letting it bottle up just drove her insane, so we regularly have "unleashing" sessions.. If she wants to cry, cry, go wild.. kinda like go free and have no restrictions on how she feels...

I can really realte to your friend in this. I think of cutting as deserved 'punishment' on mysel; because i feel worthless and feel the need to punish myself. I ALWAYS keep my feelings bottled up, which only makes it worse in the end - i end up feeling much worse, even lonelier and so much more worthless. I just don't think there's anyone i trust, whom i can talk to about this, and who will help me out. I was under psychologic help for about a year and it did help, but it didn't last for too long as all those feelings of self-worthlessness are coming back; and i simply don't want to go and talk to a stranger again (even though it did help). I think i have successfully convinced myself that iam actually worthless, that it will never get any better and that iam beyond help.
It's a vicious circle.
With me it was the same, i cut as a means of seeking help from others, because i was actually scared of approaching someone, so i drew attention to myself by slitting my wrists, attempting suicide, and self-harming with needles.
I hate feeling so alone, even when there are many wonderful things happening to you in life, tiny things that go wrong can make me so angry and sad at the same time. Iam waay over-emotional and i get hurt easily. This is part of the reason why i find it very hard to trust someone, and why, once i do, i get hurt very easily by them if they show signs of disloyalty or disapproval(i'm probably not making sense right now but i never do lol). I constantly put up a barrier between me and others. If someone's laughing i think they're laughing at me. My self-esteem is so incredibly low and i don't know how to help myself :\. Sometimes it just seems so much easier to give up on everything, which is why i often wish i was dead rather than alive, so i wouldn't have to go through all the feelings iam constantly going through.
I feel there is no-one i can talk to, and if i do i feel they just wouldn't understand where i'm coming from. I'm glad this thread was made because at least now i can see that there are many other people out there who i can relate to, and who understand what it's like to be depressed.
Writing down my feelings is so much easier than trying to talk about them with others. I don't keep journals though, i'm scared someone might find them and yeah, i want to seem happy even though i'm not - I probably seem like the happiest person in the world to all the people i know; turth is, i'm really not at the moment and i don't know what else to do other than mask it. I want help, but at the same time i'm scared of opening up to someone in case i get hurt. I might just start writing down how i feel and then burning it or something lol.

 

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

Wow seems I did it for different reasons than most. I didn't do it to punish myself or to let feelings out.

I did it to feel something. I just couldn't cry, couldn't laugh no feelings.Nothing. I didn't know if I was still alive or just a shadow. So feeling pain let me know I was still alive and it was better than feeling so numbed out that I couldn't feel anything.

 

[xbrookecorex]

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[Hilly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xbrookecorex And like if I felt like a friend betrayed me, I'd harm myself and to me it was kind of like guilt tripping them... 'Now look what you made me do' even though they'd never actually know about it.

Exactly!

 

[k.a.t]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xbrookecorex Oh I did it for reasons I never heard anyone else use before either... I did it to take out the anger and aggression I felt for OTHER people in an acceptable way (since I couldn't hurt them directly). And like if I felt like a friend betrayed me, I'd harm myself and to me it was kind of like guilt tripping them... 'Now look what you made me do' even though they'd never actually know about it.

I know exactly what you mean...i always thought that was kind of weird and wrong though so i never really told anyone that reason lol

 

[Obreathemykiss]

Quote:

Originally Posted by k.a.t I cut myself quite a lot about 2/3 years ago, i was extremely depressed, and in a way, it was a cry for help...i actually wanted to die, and everything just seemed so shit back then. Now i'm scared because i'm starting to get the same feelings again since like a month ago, although i haven't harmed myself in any way - although i've thought about it. At one point i actually had a knife to my throat thinking i could slit my neck - stupid, im too much of a coward lol. I hate feeling depressed, feeling like you're all alone and no-one really understands what you're going through, so you're not alone. I cut myself partly because i hated myself (and still do), i think i'm ugly, and i wouldn't think anyone would want to spend the rest of their life with me :\ although i did get better at this at one point, but i'm starting to hate myself again; which makes me hate myself some more and you get the picture. Depression is not nice. I hate myself for being so over-sensitive, so weak and so hard on myself. I believe i will not succeed in life and sometimes life just doesn't seem worth living...i question this alot, and it isn't healthy. I'm only 16, yet i just feel so shit about life, and everything. I hate it. I aspire to be 'normal', but it just isn't possible for me. Anything can send me hurling down again and i'm constantly sad about something. It's 3.52 a.m here and i can't sleep although i'm tired, i just can't. Little things sadden me and i just lose control of things. I hate it.

Well honey, I don't think you will ever be "normal". None of us are normal even though we strive to be so. I'm sure the happiest person in the world has a dark closet tucked away somewhere and has been through some tough thoughts or times. It is unfortunate, but inevitable in this world we live in. Feelings, as terrible as they may be, are part of our human architecture.

As for writing in journals, why not just write pieces of paper or even type documents full of how you feel and later destroy them. It could be part of your release. I think you need to find that voice inside yourself that is stronger than the voice that torments you. You need to somehow open your eyes and see how beautiful you are, no matter what flaws you may have or bad feelings you feel. If you find something that you truly love-an animal, a hobby, music, whatever, let that take over and show you happiness. If you resist the bad feelings and defy them, you will someday conquer them. I at times feel inadequate and pitiful, but then I look at the better parts of me and that's what makes me realize I came into this world for a reason. Self-hate and self-torture will certainly bring you to your knees, but if you try to be more positive and look at the better side of things, you will start to learn what loving yourself means. I don't know...I'm not exactly sure if I'm saying this right. I'm a pretty negative person, but over time, I've learned to find the good in the bad. I may not have the hottest body, but I'm healthy! I may not have the best car, the best clothes, or even own all of the makeup I wish I could afford, but I'm making a living for myself and have real and true friends-my family is awesome. I might hate how I look one day, but there's someone who may think I look freakin' awesome...etc etc. I spilled that $5 Starbucks and wasted that money, but my body didn't need it anyway!

Your savior is going to be yourself in the end. Please don't ever look past all of your fantastic and beautiful features. I'm sure it took some balls for you to tell us you've had a knife to your throat. Channel that strength and seek help for yourself. Talking to a stranger isn't necessarily the answer, but there are other things you can do to help yourself. Just go to battle with those inner demons and open the window to the rest of your life. You have so much to live for, you may not see it all now, but you will someday. You will find true happiness, love, the meaning of life, and all of that good stuff if YOU take over your mind.

I hope this made sense. Lots of love to you sweetie...and lots of love to everyone else feeling down. Inner peace is hard to come by, but once you find, my, the world is beautiful even with all of the ugliness inside of it.

Please don't ever neglect to email me or PM me or whatever. I've been through it all and I know how you're feeling. I hope you have a wonderful day.

 

[kimmy]

i'm not a psychiatrist or anything even close to it, but i can give you some experience and advice from someone who's been there. that super colourful pinup portrait i have tattooed on me covers up some pretty rugged scars.

there's actually a scientific explaination for this behaviour, and i used that as my excuse for years when i was younger. when women feel pain, their bodies produce endorphins which make you feel happier...this is why the majority of cutters are young women between the ages of thirteen and twenty one. the endorphin release is also why most scientists suspect this behaviour to be so addictive.

you have biology and psychology working against you, but you can definately overcome it. how you overcome it, is up to you..and only you. everyone deals with it in different ways. some people turn to painting, and when they're upset they pick up a paint brush. maybe a makeup brush. maybe a guitar. for me, it was a pen. i wrote alot when i was trying to kick the habit, and it worked.

i haven't done it in a few years, and i'm happy for that. i still get really upset from time to time, but i deal with it differently now. i look at things in a more positive light these days, and sometimes that's hard. it's difficult to find the little bit of good in some of the things that happen, but it becomes a way of life once you're used to it, and it gets easier with time.

my thoughts on this are kind of all over the place...pm me if you need to talk.

 

[SingFrAbsoltion]

This is such a moving thread...and it's so great how you all posted such personal things, because it makes people realize that feeling bad about yourself is a pretty common thing. I know I always have issues with myself because I always feel ugly and inferior when I'm with my friends. It has nothing to with them, it's my own issue and I hate to be a downer just because I can't deal with my insecurities.

I also feel like I'm becoming a really mean person, and I don't know what the reason is for it. I mean, I was never an angel, but I wold never even think about cursing out a stranger! Maybe my insecurity has something to do with it, but I hate being a bitch, and I feel ugly on the inside as well as the outside. I don't know what to do with myself anymore...

As far as cutting, I haven't done it in about 3 years...nowadays I just beat myself up mentally which makes my already low self esteem almost non existent.

 

[lizardprincesa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by k.a.t I cut myself quite a lot about 2/3 years ago, i was...Anything can send me hurling down again and i'm constantly sad about something. It's 3.52 a.m here and i can't sleep although i'm tired, i just can't. Little things sadden me and i just lose control of things. I hate it.

Please please take care of yourself. You are ~loved~. & I think you already know I am but one of many people who have felt as you do. Please talk to someone you trust...it can take work to find someone. The person doesn't have to be a therapist, but someone who's ~objective~ is usually best, as they're not your family, they're neutral- they don't *love* you the same way as your family & friends. Please, angel, take care of yourself, & know you're not alone.

Oh! Do you ever listen to Music as you're falling asleep? I try to listen to my more calming Music, with a sleep timer on, & sometimes it helps me with insomnia (which has been a problem my whole Life, I think)...I usually fall asleep & feel more Peaceful in the morning...

Your Life awaits your participation and discovery! You're on a journey, but you need to feel better to enjoy it...& I say all this only from *years* of experience with depression...You ~will~ feel better.
HUGS!

xxxCherylFaith
​

 

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

Music is a wonderous thing and got me through some crazy bad times. It kinda reminded me how to be human. It was like a boot programme for emotions. I probably love music in this world more than anything.

 

[AmberLilith]

Hi Hilly
I hope you're ok at the moment honey.

I've been through it too, as have many of my friends.
You're not alone.

I don't talk about it much, but more now than i used to. I can also talk to my counsellor, she helps a lot.

As for your working on a crisis line, i think it signifies that you can empathises with the people you're helping and that you can understand some of what they're going through and their need for help.
I'm understand that -I still want to be a counsellor or clinical psychologist even though i'm ill.

 

[Sanayhs]

To Hilly and everyone else: I wish you the best and hope everything will work out. I think it's fantastic that this thread is here and people can find others that have been through some of the same shit.

I'm another former cutter. I didn't do it to feel anything (because I didn't, not even pain), I didn't do it to get back at anyone, I didn't do it for attention (I lied to a shrink when asked about it - was there for other reasons). I was very careful; I would cut at the top of my thighs where no one would ever see it, and I'd cut deep enough to bleed but not deep enough that it wouldn't heal eventually. The wounds would burn and then itch for days. I later turned to other forms of self destruction, almost anything that was bad for me was game. The only way I avoided relapsing two weeks ago was by getting mind numbingly drunk while in the presence of my (though they don't use the term) straight edge boyfriend and roommate, who pleaded with me to stop. My boyfriend was mad at me for two days afterwards.

Some things that usually make me feel better are setting things on fire and writing... I like to write on walls. Pencil is good because you can simply wash the wall afterwards. I'll fill a wall with everything and walk away from it. When I see it again later, it's a relief, because I know I got all of that out of me.

I grew up with parents that let me experience living with abuse, neglect and alcoholism. They always believed depression was an 'excuse' (I've been clinically depressed basically since puberty) and there have always been a lot of problems. I finally started anti-depressants last year and it is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. By no means are they for everyone, and I myself struggled to avoid them for years. I told my father about them after a number of months, and that was very difficult. He became upset with me and accused me of popping pills to try to use as a magic cure for a bit of stress in my life (of which there is plenty, from every angle).

The reason I cut, by the way, is because I needed something real; I became so disconnected and detached. Nothing was real, nothing hit home, nothing had consequences. I needed blood to remind me that this really is happening, it's not just a bad dream.

Again, I hope everyone finds what they need to get better. Hilly, thank you for this thread.

 

[LOCa]

Yeah I Used To Do That Alot When I Was Younger (12) My Ma Used To Drag Me By My Hair And Punch The Shit Outta Me. So I Used To Grab The Kitchen Knife And Hack Away On My Right Arm ( Im Left Handed ) I Stopped Cause It Got Hot And Summery OutSide And I Had Ugly Scars So I Wanted Them To Go Away And They Did But Recently I Did It Again I Broke A Bud Light Beer And Cut My Wrist Like 7 Times. It Was Dumb. My Scars Are Going Away Though. I Don't Scar Easily.. Thank God.

I Guess I Did It To Show Her That If She Hurts Me Im Going To Hurt Myself ( TO MAKE HER FEEL BAD, Hah. Real Bad. Like Crying-bad. )


Try Getting Into Boxing or KickBoxing... Let Your Anger Out..

 

[LOCa]

BTW
To Me Now:
I Realize Now Cutting Is Stupid And Your Stupid For Doing It You Just Want Attention.. Its Not A Way To "Release Whatever" Just A Way To Get Attention Or Whatever. If Your Gunna Do The Damn Thing, Don't Walk Across The Street Walk Down It. Go Do Boxing.

 

[kblakes]

Oh man I understand how you feel. I haven't cut for over 2 years but every bad day I have I crave it. I would love to start again to have some kind of release but I know it would spiral out of control quickly. I hope you l feel better and are able to channel you frustration and anger into non self-destructive behavior.

 

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LOCa BTW To Me Now: I Realize Now Cutting Is Stupid And Your Stupid For Doing It You Just Want Attention.. Its Not A Way To "Release Whatever" Just A Way To Get Attention Or Whatever. If Your Gunna Do The Damn Thing, Don't Walk Across The Street Walk Down It. Go Do Boxing.

There are very many strongly worded things I could say to that and I did have to walk away from the computer for two minutes. All I will say is that I disagree with you and I'm not sure that was helpful.

It may have been an attention thing for you but not for everyone. Please do not make generalizations like that.

 

[kblakes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by V15U4L_3RR0R There are very many strongly worded things I could say to that and I did have to walk away from the computer for two minutes. All I will say is that I disagree with you and I'm not sure that was helpful. It may have been an attention thing for you but not for everyone. Please do not make generalizations like that.

Agreed. It was never an attention thing for me. I didn't go around showing people and wearing short sleeves. I told no one about them. No one ever saw them. I did it purely for the release. I was unable to lash out and verbalize my frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness, etc that I used cutting as the release of all that.

 

[LOCa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kblakes Agreed. It was never an attention thing for me. I didn't go around showing people and wearing short sleeves. I told no one about them. No one ever saw them. I did it purely for the release. I was unable to lash out and verbalize my frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness, etc that I used cutting as the release of all that.

Yeah That Was A Little Harsh OF Me, V15U4L_3RR0R I Just Go Through Pyscho Moments When People Talk About Cutting And How To "Release-Whatever" I Think Its Bull But I Apologize.

Yeah I Didn't Go Around Wearing Short Sleeves Either Cause I Don't Want To Feel Like A JackAzz.

No I Guess Whatever You Say. I Still Think People Do It For Attention.

 

[laguayaca]

Hillary like many others that have posted I cant entirely say that I understand your situation but we are all here for you. You need someone next to you that is going to understand you and love you at your worst and sometimes guys can be such jerks. You are not alone we all have things that we are certainly are not proud of habits, compulsions, and may skeletons in our closets. Just know that you have a whole community of chicas and a few fellas that are willing to listen to you words and offer you love when you need it most!